9

I don't have much to say.  And I've been having trouble finding words.  I don't know how much I weigh and I don't really care to know.  It's probably still 125.  My mother and I went grocery shopping (finally - it's only been like 4 weeks since my mother had done much in the way of grocery shopping) yesterday?  Or maybe the day before.  I don't remember.  My brain feels fried.  The internet hasn't been working.  I had to do some house work/yard work for my grandma.  She paid me $20.  Then my aunt gave me $60 for gas (I don't have to do shit for her) because of interviews and things.  I had an interview at Wal-Mart today.  Oh, joy...  Not where I want to work but I knew someone who knew managers there.  There is a good chance I'll get hired as long as I pass the drug test and background check (I should pass both unless the meds I'm on give a false positive for something).  And I don't think I mentioned but I went to a "job fair" as it was called.  It was for 1 store so I don't see how it qualifies as a job fair but whatever...  I filled out the application there and then they did an interview and that store called me and had me sign a consent form for a background check.  So hopefully I'll get a job soon so I can afford to drive to the Y and workout and buy workout/weightloss related stuff and healthy food.  I have been working out more but I don't think it's been enough to change my weight.  I don't even know what I'm saying any more...  I need sleep...

~Kes

8

I weighed 125 yesterday.  And the day before that and the day before that...  Today I said fuck it and didn't weigh in.  What's the point?  Analog scales make it pretty much impossible to tell if there is a change in weight unless it's at least .5 lbs.  I also hadn't been exercising much because I had other things to do first (paper work to fill out, places to call for counselling and bills and things like that, appointments to try to get in to a psychiatrist, ect.) but today I managed to get in more exercise.  But I'm incredibly weak now.  I can barely do 50 crunches where that used to be no problem.  I couldn't exercise in the psych ward without looking like an idiot or disturbing people and, well, psych wards have people with anger issues in them and it's best not to do anything to piss them off.  The day before I was released a guy who was probably only 18 was admitted and he was homicidal and liked to fight.  Ok....  I'll just stay over here....  Anyway, while I was there I was diagnosed with bipolar and that wasn't the first time I had that diagnoses but it's probably the first time I was properly medicated for it.  DO NOT put me on an antidepressant!  How long did it take to figure that one out? Oh, only about 3+ years...  How many antidepressants "quit working" (as I called it) and caused a manic to be even worse?  Oh, only about a good half dozen times.  The problem now is I'm on lithium but it isn't a high enough dose.  It was enough in the psych ward where there was no stress but in the real world, it's not enough. What sucks though, is lithium can cause weight gain.  But don't most antidepressants/mood stabilizers/anti-psychotics do that?  Yes, most do.  I've been on lithium in the past and didn't gain then.  I lost weight the first time I was on it.  But I was also at my high weight (155 lbs) and with adding in some exercise (I was previously a couch potato) it wasn't hard to lose a little weight.   Anyway, I'll shut up know because I really don't know what all I said...

~Kes

7

I've been in-patient since Sunday night/Monday morning.  The admit papers say Monday at like 12:15 am.  I spent most of Sunday in the emergency room.  I'm on a day pass so I have to go back tonight and as long as I don't go back completely unstable I can be released tomorrow.  Not sure what time though.  Although I had a thyroid test come back so high the psychiatrist said it was off the chart so I had it redone today.  If it comes back high again I don't know if the psychiatrist will make me stay longer to find out why or just send me out and tell me to go have a normal doctor look at it and figure out what's wrong.  And I kind of have a mess with counselling/psychiatry when I leave the psych ward but I'll just figure it out when I'm out because otherwise I'll just be stuck there longer.  So yeah....  That's what's going on.

~Kes

6

Well, I thought I wasn't sick anymore, but... My salivary gland or lymph node (not sure which it is but does that really matter?) is swollen to the point where you can see it by just looking at me.  It hurts to touch and it hurts if I turn my head too much.  I get migraines and my parents decided I have the mumps.  I was vaccinated for that though.  But vaccinations aren't always 100% effective and most of the symptoms fit so maybe I have a milder/less severe case?  Well, aside from the migraines, I feel fine.  I weighed 123/124 or so yesterday and the same today.  I hate using my parents' analog scale.  I like digital scales better.  The numbers are too squished together on analog scales so you can't tell what it is.  But I'm hoping to get down to at least 115 by the end of April.  My sister's birthday is tomorrow so my family is going out to eat tonight.  Oh, joy....  I hope everyone is having a good day.

~Kes

5

Well, I have no idea what I weigh and have not been exercising much and eating a normal amount like a normal person.  I eat when I'm hungry and I eat what sounds good because how else am I supposed to get healthy?  But now I feel pretty much healthy (physically anyway... mentally I'm really REALLY fucked up...) and am ready to exercise again and diet.  I'm not sure how to go about it though so I guess I'll begin moderate exercising at home.  As for dieting, I'm not sure.  My parents will be around for the weekend so I'll just see how things go.  I'm really not in the mood to talk...  I just wanna crawl in a hole and die...

~Kes

4

I think I'm sick but I don't know.  I had a tooth pulled Tuesday and have been living on pain killers since which reduce fever so if I have a fever I wouldn't know.  I was given permission to purge once a day.  As long as I do it right.  It all started with me feeling sick.  I was given permission to speed along the process of getting sick.  And according to a lovely little website Cymbalta has an off label use to help treat bulimia.  And guess who quit taking their meds because she was having horrible anger episodes?  Me.  And guess who started having bulimic thoughts after quitting the Cymbalta?  Me.  In case you didn't know I used to purge daily from age like 12 or 13 until I was almost 16 (like 1.5 months before I turned 16 I drastically cut back because of a guy).  So yes.  This is my life right now.  I'll be back when I'm not sleeping all day and night.  I was awake for like 6 hours total yesterday.  I wake up when my mouth starts hurting and go back to sleep when the pain killers finally kick in.

~Kes

3

Life is stressful right now.  I keep gaining weight even though I have nets of like 800 or so.  I was 125 this morning.  So much stress.  I have a job interview tomorrow.  I need a job.  I need a lot of things...  I feel miserable and everyone is expecting me to stay positive and not get stressed or upset and they're only making things worse.  I've been suicidal and turning violent.  It's not good.

~Kes

2

Yesterday I did 30 minutes of weight machines at the Y and tried to eat healthy.  But my food options were limited and my stomach has not been agreeing with food lately.  So today I haven't eaten too much.  Just a little here and there.  Some asparagus and potatoes and milk so far.  I've done some stretching but that's about it for exercise so far.  Quite a boring day.  I think I'll go for a walk/run and read some blogs.  Then search for my weights and work out some.  I weighed 123 but I think I'm bloated from food not agreeing.

~Kes

1

So to begin with, I am 20 years old and I want to be a bantamweight MMA fighter.  I am currently 121 pounds.  I'm 5'4.5" so 105 is technically underweight.  But I want to prove to myself and others that you can be healthy and have a BMI that is considered "unhealthy".  There are athletes with BMIs that put them at overweight or underweight because of how their bodies are built.  I believe I can fight at 105 and be healthy and maintain that weight.  Cutting weight would be more unhealthy than maintaining because cutting weight is usually done in extreme ways such as severe restriction and over exercising while wearing sweat suits and some go as far as purging.  Dehydration is very likely to occur when cutting weight.  So I want to maintain and be healthy, happy, and fit.  So this is me on a journey to become a fighter at 105.

~Kes