I'm dealing with way to much shit.  Totaled my car, going to court for visitation, dealing with shit from my mother and at work, ect....  Maybe when some shit gets straightened out I'll be back or something?  Maybe... If anyone would still read that is....

~Kes

I've been busy.  I went from being a cashier working stupid long shifts to working in the deli also working stupid long shifts but it hopefully won't be so many days a week/right in the middle of the day so I have no time to do anything.  I always hated shifts like 10a-7p.  No time to do anything.  Deli is basically 7a-4p or 2p-11p for full shifts.  If someone is really needed there might be a middle shift but it would most likely be a 4.5hr shift. I'd say another week or two then I won't want fried food ever.  Which would be good because it's full of calories and grease and neither of those things are good.  I would read and comment on blogs but I haven't been to my computer much and the screen on my phone shattered :'( because I somehow dropped it.  I don't know how.  And the phone insurance company sent me a fucking mesmerize.  I HATE that phone.  That's why I got rid of the first one for a Hero S.  I want a fucking Hero S.  I have court later today to try to get visitation rights to see my daughter.  My ex refuses to let me see her.  I'm nervous.  I'm afraid the judge won't give me visitation.  I'm dating a guy and I like him but I'm not sure how long the relationship will last.  Part of me wants it too and part of me doesn't.  I don't think he will be able to handle being in a relationship with me because we are both bipolar and I have the whole eating issues thing going on and he says to just exercise and eat healthy.  He thought doing sit ups would get rid of belly fat.  I laughed.  No. It'll tighten the muscles but it's cardio that gets rid of fat you you can't spot reduce fat without liposuction and then the fat will just come back elsewhere...  He looked at me like I was crazy for knowing that.  And I told him how many calories where in fat, carbs, and protein. And I told him how healthy different fats were.  I think he thinks the eating disordered sort of mentality is something you can just get over...  It's not and he's going to either have to learn to deal with it or find someone else to date.  In other news I weighed 124 this morning.  I've been having my bloating problems every time I eat again.  I get paid tomorrow.  Gonna have to buy me some more Activia or something.  And I ran out of birth control about 5 days ago (I got more like 2 days ago) but by the time I got it, it was too late.  Period.  Damn.  Damndamndamn.  I hate those things.  I got so bloated I looked like I was pregnant.  And same thing the second day.  And I think I'm still slightly bloated so I am quite happy to see 124 and not higher because if you saw how bloated I've been you would think I was pregnant.  Good thing I wear an apron at work.  Before that my stomach was looking almost flat.  I hope it'll get back to that in a couple days.... I gotta go get ready for court.  I doub anyone will ready thing.  And I know no one will comment because they never do.  That's probably why I don't try as hard to comment anymore.  Because even when I read and comment, no one comments on mine let alone reads it.  I think Ill just quit  I went long enough without blogging that I don't really need it like I used to...

~Kes

13

I've managed to start restricting.  I had 995 calories yesterday.  I weighed 124.5-ish (damn analog scale) today.  And I've had 880 calories today.  I'm not going to have any more.  I have to work early in the morning so I've got to go to bed soon.  I don't have anything else I want to say because no one reads this anyway.

~Kes

12

I've been reading blogs as much as I can but I'm usually short on time and can't comment or have no idea what to say.  I'm stuck trying to decide which job I would rather have.  Work at a farm store or work at Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart offered to move me to the deli yesterday.  It would pay 50 cents more than cashier.  Making it only 10 cents less than the farm store.  I'd probably get more hours in the deli.  But the drive is longer.  But I'd probably like it more and gas is cheaper in Iowa...  I just don't know...  I hate making decisions.  A couple people want me to stay at Wal-Mart just so they can see me more (one works in Wal-Mart electronics and one lives in Iowa and works within walking distance of Wal-Mart).  Both of them like me.  The walking distance one wants to date me but I won't date him til he gets his shit together and proves it to me and the electronics one wants to date but he doesn't feel like he's emotionally stable enough for a relationship (he's socially awkward and hasn't had luck with relationships like at all and he's bipolar - like me - and he has anxiety and he said he had depression too but I can't see that being a separate diagnosis with him - I think it's just the depression part of the bipolar that got him labeled as depressed).  Anyway.  I doubt anyone reads this now since I've been so MIA.  I don't have my bloating issues anymore and I think I'm losing weight.  I just don't want to weigh myself...  I'm just nervous.  I'm gonna try liquid fasting today.  I'm not gonna be too upset if I fail.  I'd try a real fast except I would end up puking because that's what lithium does to me without food or milk (or something similar to milk).  I'll try to weigh in tomorrow.  That's about all I have to say...

~Kes

11

I've been busy with work and dealing with my mother and crazy grandma.  I haven't really had much to say.  Last time I weighed myself I weighed 130.  I hated it.  I almost cried.  It's either related to the stomach/gut issues I've been having or related to the lithium I'm prescribed.  Although the lithium might be causing the weight gain and the stomach/gut issues.  I don't know though.  Tuesday I go back to the psychiatrist.  I really don't want to stay on lithium.  I'm going into a manic phase again.  Lithium is supposed to help that.  It hasn't helped enough.  I need something different.  I've been more irritable and stuff since I've been on this higher dose.  The lower dose wasn't strong enough.  Why can't I just be normal?  My finger has a kind of nasty cut on it.  Thanks to my own stupidity.  That happened yesterday.  I don't really know what else to say...  Maybe after Tuesday I can start some new meds and lose weight...

~Kes

10

So far today I've had a can of soup (~175) and 15 M&Ms (52) and some tea.  Went and saw the psychiatrist today.  Good thing it was today because I ran out of lithium Sunday.  Up to 1200 mg a day now instead of 600.  Gotta go do the blood test like the 12th and go back the 15th.  The psychiatrist used to work at a psych ward I was in.  He worked there while I was there.  I'm starting to wonder if he was my psychiatrist there...  He asked me if I ever had anorexia or bulimia.  Uhhh....  Next question?  So he thinks I have bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.  Fun...
Had an oral drug test for a job yesterday.  I passed but it was the most annoying thing.  Rub this awkward thing around my mouth then stick in my cheek for 10 minutes and let it get all soggy and nasty then wait another 10 minutes after for the results.  I need a job.  I think it would be easier to lose weight when I have a job.  But it'll get easier as the weather gets warmer too.  If it would ever quit raining though.  I've been stressed and busy lately.  Did I mention my grandma is crazy and isn't allowed to drive so my mom has to drive her everywhere and I get stuck doing everything at home.  I refuse to say my weight.  I feel nauseous.  Damn lithium...  Guess I gotta drink some milk or eat something... >:(

~Kes

9

I don't have much to say.  And I've been having trouble finding words.  I don't know how much I weigh and I don't really care to know.  It's probably still 125.  My mother and I went grocery shopping (finally - it's only been like 4 weeks since my mother had done much in the way of grocery shopping) yesterday?  Or maybe the day before.  I don't remember.  My brain feels fried.  The internet hasn't been working.  I had to do some house work/yard work for my grandma.  She paid me $20.  Then my aunt gave me $60 for gas (I don't have to do shit for her) because of interviews and things.  I had an interview at Wal-Mart today.  Oh, joy...  Not where I want to work but I knew someone who knew managers there.  There is a good chance I'll get hired as long as I pass the drug test and background check (I should pass both unless the meds I'm on give a false positive for something).  And I don't think I mentioned but I went to a "job fair" as it was called.  It was for 1 store so I don't see how it qualifies as a job fair but whatever...  I filled out the application there and then they did an interview and that store called me and had me sign a consent form for a background check.  So hopefully I'll get a job soon so I can afford to drive to the Y and workout and buy workout/weightloss related stuff and healthy food.  I have been working out more but I don't think it's been enough to change my weight.  I don't even know what I'm saying any more...  I need sleep...

~Kes